That’s right everybody…breaking news, I have been Facebook dumped! It is now Facebook official that I am single. For some reason, we use Facebook as some epitome of legitimacy–like, it doesn’t mean anything until you put it on FB. So, according to the world of tweens and people who have nothing better to do than creep on others, I am now broken up with my boyfriend.
“Sure,” you may say. “For the third or fourth time?” others may wonder; but I’m telling you for real that this is for real..legit..for sure..and whatever else people say to back something up and make it sound serious.
But in all seriousness, it’s over. I knew it was this time, but I didn’t want to remove the Facebook status or really think about it. Although Facebook is a silly criteria for the state of a relationship, I think his removal of my name from his Facebook page solidified it. I know that you can just throw a person’s name up on your info page in mere minutes, but I fear that this is the final end.
I think what actually makes me sad is that he removed me today. We broke up yesterday and I thought for some reason that he would wait a little. Like maybe him keeping my name up there would symbolize that he knows that this is for the best, but he doesn’t like it. Since almost everything that happens to me seems to symbolize something, me not changing my relationship status meant–to me–that I haven’t let go and I’m not going to for a while. I fear that he is going to move on too quickly. I know that he will move on, and so will I, but I don’t want to get left behind. I don’t want to be alone in this hard transition period in which we stop calling each other to check in or walk each other to classes. Like shit man, I’ve got to walk all the way to my car alone and I have to carry my books?? What the hell…
It really sucks to be the one who is still in love with someone when they find someone else. Even if he has a little fling, it’ll still cause some emotional bruising and nights of ice cream eating I’m sure. This hasn’t happened yet, but I don’t think both of us are just going to move on at the same point in time-even is it was pretty much a mutual decision. I think it’s going to take me longer to be able to be with someone else now seeing as though I’m kind of recovering from two break-ups at once.
In my selfish mind, I want him to want to be with me longer than I stay attached because I fear that pain so much. Him wanting to be with me meant–and still means–a lot to me. But I can’t measure my self worth based on who wants to be with me and who doesn’t. Let’s start there to begin with! I need to appreciate myself for who I am and what I can and do accomplish. I really love him, but what about myself? Do I love myself? I think I used to hate myself and I’ve taken steps to liking who I am. It’s time to finish that project and become who I want to be instead of wishing I was someone who is smarter, thinner, or nicer. It’s time to be happy with myself–Facebook single or not.